The Best Chance You Can Have

GFM

I have wrote several blogs in the last few weeks, but I have no wanted to post them. I will, soon enough, but they are very personal, like all most of the blogs I write.

It has been a very up and down month. I have found out a lot of information on my injuries, both physically and mentally. I am trying to look at this as a positive thing - to know what the best route to go for continuing to heal. It is scary. Every time I get a piece of information, I realize how much further I have to go. 

Since I cannot afford a PT right now, I am doing things at home to try to strengthen my body, but this requires nutrition, which is still very hard for me. The things that I can eat one day, I can't eat the next because I can't keep them down, which is obviously incredibly frustrating. I am hungry, I get tired easily and yes, I feel sorry for myself. 

There are good days, there are bad days, and there are very bad days. There is no middle ground right now. I am trying very hard to accept that while also being kind to myself. 

We should all be kind to ourselves, whether you have had any type of assault, had a bad day (or week/month/year). I am trying my best, in all areas that I can, to recover, but as the days go by, I realize it's not going to completely change. Life has good things and bad things. I know many of you face this. I know that I'm not alone - we are all struggling in some way, some more than others. 

I am still unemployed because I cannot work, physically. I am still in need of any financial support. I still need things done for me that I can't physicall do. This all makes me mad because I have never been one to ask for things, but I am asking. 

Thank you to everyone who has supported me over this year. I could not have done it without you all. 

Stay aware, take care of each other. I can't state that enough. A simple smile might brighten someones day. 

I want to believe that any kind gesture will help someone feel better, somehow. 

My love to all of you. 

When we betray our bodies, our paths become less clear.

This is atrophy. 

I had a complicated day. 

It started with being sore (which I always am, really) from a fall I had. I landed on my left hip/rib/shoulder. People ask me why I fall. It is because my legs and body are weak. It is as simple as that. 

The other complicated part of the day is that I had two people ask if I was "suicidal" because I am selling many of my things. I thought this wasn't very polite. As I have documented here over the last year - I am unemployed. I am relying on so many people right now, which is what I have to do. There are many things I have wanted to get rid of that bring me painful memories. There are many things that I simply don't need. 

If you cannot financially help me, which I understand, I need help with getting things out of my house. This is something I am asking for because I need and, quite frankly, can't do it. I want the items to go to place that do need them and can use them. While I am un-employeed, this is something I can do to help others. 

I am still asking for people to, if able, to donate for buttons that my friend made. They money will go directly to Compass Center NC - they are a wonderful resource for women. I will send 3 buttons for $10 which covers shipping and everything else will go directly to them. 

I need help and I am asking for it, but I also want to be able to give help to others, where I can. 

Here is the button, made by Headfirst!Records - I met one of the owners when I was a mere 13 years old and we have shared so much together through the years. I think supporting people and organizations is so important, even though there is not much I can personally do at this point. 

GFM

My love to all of you. Stay safe, stay aware. 

GFM

I wanted to post this last week, but honestly, I forgot I wrote it. One would think that being at home would allow for plenty of things, but it doesn't. I get tired very easily, but I can't sleep. I try to do the best I can. I had a very busy week with doctors and other appointments, so I am always proud to get that done. These are things, as many of you know, I was able to do before the assault. I didn't go to doctor's appointments almost every day, but I got many things done, even working full-time.

The above photos are of my clean little kitchen and my clean little bedroom. This took me around 3 hours, while taking breaks to rest for a moment because I can't walk very well. I was very happy to get this done...It is something I took for granted before - simply cleaning my home.

The last photo is my little "self-care" photo. What I have learned through therapy is we have to truly take care of ourselves, too. A warm bath, making a cozy bed (which my #1 Warrior and I make jokes about), taking a moment to wash your face, put on your favorite comfortable clothes. These are things I took for granted. I took for granted that it was safe for me to walk early in the evening back to my car. I took for granted that I had a steady income with insurance, which I don't have now. 

It is a frustrating thing. Reaching the limits of any uncomfortable/hard circumstance is incredibly difficult. I feel a bit lonely, but really, I don't like being around people at this point. I have reached out to some of you about having tea/etc. which I look forward to. If I have reached out to you, it is because I feel safe with you. I don't feel safe with many people.

I am thankful for the things that you all have provided. I hope I can provide some comfort, in some way, by explaining what has happened to me over the last year.

I have numerous resources that I can provide to anyone who needs help. I still need help, but I have done a lot of research and accumulated phone numbers that have helped me.

My love to all of you. Stay aware. Stay thoughtful of others needs when they are asking for help.

Wide Awake & Dreaming

GFM

I want to give a huge thanks to several people. I asked for hats and so many of you came to my assistance. 

Megan R made the first hat in the photos (as well as 2 others in different colors). She hand-knitted them, despite being a busy Mom with lots to do. They are all incredibly soft and fit over my big ears. They are beautiful and I am so glad to call her my friend since we were 14 or so, even if we lost touch for a bit. She has shown so much love and support. Thank you, Megan. 

The second hat is from Augustus P and his friend. The hat is huge and I love it so much. It is soft with beautiful colors - also handmade. The only problem with it is when I put it on, I just want to curl up and sleep. It keeps me so warm! Augustus has truly inspired me and has been a constant support to me, even before my assault. He is a gentle, kind and loving person and I am so fortunate to have him in my life. Even though he doesn't really like snow, I appreciate his snow photos he sends to me (I like snow). Thank you, Augustus.

The third photo is from Mr. McQueen. I have known him off and on for several years and he has always been so very kind to me. I received this hat and he did not put his name on it, so I just found out who it was from. He travels a lot, so I don't always get to keep up with him, but I love this hat. I kept it in the box he mailed it in because I wasn't sure who it was from so I wanted to thank the person before I wore it. Thank you, Mr. McQueen. 

The fourth photo is me, well, bald-ish. I rather enjoy it now, even though the stares, I still enjoy when I am not wearing a hat. I don't wear hats to "cover up". I wear hats because I am cold. Sometimes, I just need to feel some warmth (when it isn't raining in NC, which is never). Chelsey B has been cutting my hair for many years. After the assault and head trauma, I had "cradle cap". This is something that happens with babies. Dry scalp. I didn't have much hair to begin with, so it was very liberating to just say "screw it" and get my head shaved. Cleansing. The wounds are healed, physically, in the back of my head, but I like keeping it tidy back there. Chelsey does that - kindly, with a gentle hand and very nice conversation. Thank you, Chelsey.

Thank you to my wonderful therapist and team of doctors who are providing me with the help that I need. Thank you to my family who have provided immense support. Thank you for all of you who send cards and letters,  The Gilson Family, John R, Richard Y, Emily B, and everyone who I have not mentioned...Thank you.

Somewhat pictured are some little silver hoop earrings. I am not sure who sent me these, but thank you. I have not worn earrings in well over a year, but it was nice to do for a few hours.

I am thankful for  the things that you all have provided and continue to provide. I still have love in my heart, even when I don't want to. I still have hope. I have faith that not everything is terrible. There are bad days. There are good days. I am looking at today as a good day, which may turn into a bad day, but setting the right expectations is what I think is needed. For everyone.

My love to all of you.

**Take care of yourselves tomorrow as the ACC games are happening. If you drink, please stay safe. Find a safe way home or do not drink at all. Stay aware of your area and the people you are with. I know many people say this, but I am saying it as a person who was assaulted, while sober in a downtown area.**

I'd Rather be Running to Something than Running Away.

GFM

Several weeks ago, I start working with a new trauma therapist. The ones I had previously were wonderful, but unfortunately unable to continue helping me due to my lack of insurance. 

My new therapist is very kind and I appreciate that we can have our sessions over the phone, which, makes it easier for me to focus and read to them the things that I write down during the week. I am not sure how many of you have used therapy, but being in a office setting can be a bit uncomfortable, no matter how great the therapist is. It gets sterile, somehow. There is always 2 boxes of tissues. The need to make eye contact. The need (for me) to try to get dressed into something "suitable". Those are not bad things, but I feel more comfortable being on the phone. I can get up and move around if I need to. I can pee when I want to. If it is cold and rainy out, I can wrap my blankets around me and keep on talking. 

This therapy is different. I can say things that I didn't think I could say before. I can be pissed and not feel guilty. It's also nice to talk to someone like a friend, someone that gets it. Someone who just lets me vent things that I didn't know I needed to vent. Yes, I know that is what therapists are paid for, but this is much different, for me, at least. 

They have told me some interesting things that I need to focus on this week, when I can, which I am working on at my own pace. I will get to those when I feel comfortable sharing them. 

For now, I want to tell my story from today. 

I had to get a few little things for my house. Very little things such as toilet paper, hand sani, and some stamps. These are little things you might not think you need until, well, there aren't any in your house. Making one trip out of the house a week is a huge deal for me, and I do take pride in it at least. 

It was warm outside. Warm enough for me, but I still have to wear layers of clothes to keep warm. I don't wear any make-up anymore since there is no real point, but I put on a little lotion on my face and some mascara, which I haven't really tried in a year. 

It was warm enough that I didn't need a hat. I put on a little organic rosemary oil to scoot my hair down, what little I have. 

I have never thought of myself as a pretty girl. I am a average girl. I'm not asking for compliments, I am just saying how I always been feeling. I have always been short. I've always been (slightly) funny/sarcastic. I think I have always been good at taking care of people. These are things I am proud of. 

As I went on my very few errands, I was very disappointed in humans. 

They stared at me like I was a freak-show. They whispered behind me. Despite giving my best little smile (and I even wore lipgloss), they stared. This use to happen a lot during the Summers past...wearing tank tops, people not liking all my tattoos. This is not the past anymore. I am not ashamed of how I look...It is from a assault. I have to keep my head shaved for now. I have atrophy. These are things that I know other people don't understand, but staring at a person uncomfortably, making judgments and not being helpful at all (such as opening a door) is just...rude. 

This hasn't broke my spirit. There is a long way to go. A very long way to recovery. 

I learn every day what people what people are capable of, and not capable of. 

Please keep this in mind when you see someone, struggling. Struggling to smile. Struggling to open a door. Struggling to be kind, even if they don't feel like it. 

My love to all of you. Stay safe. Stay aware. 

Today is the First Day of my Life

Today marks one year since I was brutally assaulted. Many of you have forgotten about it. Many of you think I should be better by now. Many of you have forgotten entirely. We all have lives and situations that prevent us from keeping up with others. It isn't selfish. It is life.

When this assault happened, I was in a usually busy area. It was early, but dark. It was very cold, unlike today. I was wearing a zip-up hoodie and my boots, walking just a bit to get to my car after having a meal. No alcohol. No drugs. A simple night that was made a bit funny because many people were joking about how I never go out - which I certainly don't now. Many people then (and now) want to know where it happened so they can protect themselves. I understand that, but the truth is, it doesn't matter where it happened. It can happen anywhere. Any town.

I was wearing a small back-pack that I've had since college. All I had in it was  my wallet with no cash, some quarters and lip gloss. My car keys were on my belt, as I always have them. I was grabbed from behind by my back-pack, violently. There are only certain things I remember, now. I was pushed to the ground, pulled back up, smashed into a fence against my head and face, pushed down on the ground again.

I am not sure how long I was laying on the ground in a pool of blood. My jaw was cracked, my nose was broken, I had two black eyes, I had several broken ribs and, my head was gushing blood.

When I looked up, there was no one there. I had the vision of the person who did this to me, but I didn't know what to do. So, I ran, somehow. I ran to my car with blood dripping all over me. My legs hurting from scraps. I got into my car. I didn't see anyone. I didn't know who to ask for help.

I got into my house, somehow. before I did, I fell down and there was this terrible, bloody mark by my door. It rained later, and washed it away. If only it was that easy with everything.

I got into to my home, and fell down again. I was so stunned when I woke up, I had no idea what to do. So, I crawled into bed. There was blood everywhere. I do not wish to talk about the things I had to do before that - cops/emc. They were very helpful, but that is another very serious story that I will write. In the first few weeks, I pushed myself as much as I could. That was a bad idea. I thought I could do a lot of things that I couldn't do and still can't do.

Because of who I am, I thought "I'll be done with this quickly". That is not the case.

I stay in my home, as safe as I can, because I don't feel comfortable going out. I have become weaker, physically, over the year because I can't walk very well and I weigh around 80 pounds. This is because of atrophy and anxiety, among many other things. This is all due to the assault.

I don't post photos of myself to show I am getting better. I post them because, honestly, I'm getting worse, despite all my attempts and doctors. I did not think I would be here at this point. I thought I would be working again, living my normal life. Taking baths. Eating. Going on runs. These are not things I can not do. I am doing everything I can do to get stronger. My doctors are doing everything they can do to get me stronger.

I am impatient. I want to be better right now. I want to eat a big bowl of mac and cheese and not puke ten minutes later. I want to sleep without being afraid. I want to be warm and safe.

I have been carrying these feelings around for a year. They are feelings of physical pain, but they are feelings of mental pain. I feel forgotten. Lost.

The positive thing I have found through all of this is that I know there are things I can give to the community. There is not much I can do, but I donate when I can. I have also realized who really care about me. I have received so many hats, hoodies and things that mean SO much to me. I am very thankful for that - more than you all know.

This is a huge healing process. I will never be the same. My life has completely changed. That said, I'm not going to give up. I am going to keep going, but I want people to realize how hard it is for me. It will always be here, even when my body heals, there are a lot of other things that I will always have on my mind.

My love and thanks to all of you. I wrote this to tell my story and support people who may have gone through similar situations. Emotionally and physically. Pain is pain, and I hope we can all heal together.

To Keep Me Warm

GoFundMe

Hello, everyone. I hope everyone has stayed safe during the weather. Thankfully, we only got rain here, but I know a lot of people had a lot of ice, especially in my hometown of Winston-Salem.
This post won't be too "deep". I wanted to take a moment to thank my Mom, Alicia, Steve and Kelly for sending me little hats for my bald head. I need them now more than ever since it is so cold out, but I have been wearing them despite what the temps are to keep myself warm.
This seems like a simple thing to most, but staying warm means so much to me, so cozy hats make me feel...well, cozy.
Please continue to support my Go Fund Me, if you can. All money donated is going straight to bills (rent, insurance, water, and other basic monthly bills).
In the upcoming weeks, I will be selling/giving away a number of CD's/DVD's/books and other items. These are things I love, but do not serve a purpose in my life right now. Please message me if you are interested in any of things. I can gladly share a basic list of what I have. Since I have been mostly home bound, I am trying to keep myself busy with things that do no strain my body, but also helps me heal and rid myself of things that hurt me mentally. This is hard, but necessary.
All my love to all of you.