For every door opened, it feels like two are shut in your face.

Through all of this process, I am learning a lot about myself. Who my friends are, what my limitations are physically and mentally. Many say I should be better than now. I am not. It's hard for me to accept what a long road to recovery it is going to be.

Yesterday, I really didn't feel good. Dizzy, not feeling able to feel comfortable, listening to every sound. I tried to get some little things done around my house to make myself feel better. I talked to my Mom, who said I was too stubborn (in a loving way). I am stubborn. I try to be strong. I am not strong as I think. Not yet.

I know this is hard for a lot of you to understand. I also know there are a lot of you understand it all too well.

This morning, after the couple hours I can sleep, I woke up not feeling well again. I made myself some tea. I sat at my kitchen table and tried to relax. Then I got sick to my stomach. I started fretting about everything. I started getting scared (it was still dark out). I started stressing about money, about all the doctors appointments I have, about trying to get some things to have in case it stores and a myriad of other things.

Then I had to throw up. It was nerves and whatever else is going on in my body. I finish doing that, sit down, skip the rest of tea and try to drink a bit of water.

Then, I get dizzy.

I have hardwood floors all through my home, so I have to be very careful, but I was so dizzy that I fell down (I was trying to get to the bathroom in case I had to vomit again). I was not successful with this. That is what the above photo is of. I ended up falling down, scraping my knees, hitting my face on tile. Two steps forwards, 10 steps back.

This is just another thing that scares me. I was able to get up, eventually, but I was alone. I was crying. There was nothing I could do about this.

Frustrating is the only word I have for this. I am frustrated that I can't walk. I am frustrated that I am trying so hard and I am not seeing results. I am frustrated that I can't eat food. I'm frustrated that I cannot sleep. I am frustrated with all the little and big things that I can't do.

Be kind and loving to people, all year long. Even if you don't understand it, try to understand that people can't heal quickly and pushing them doesn't help. Sometimes, not always, pushing makes people who are trying to heal makes them feel worse and that is just another bad feeling.

I know a lot of you are going to experience winter weather this weekend, if you haven't already. Please stay safe. Do not go out unless you have to.

My love to all of you.