Trying to Find My Way Home - I still need help.

Worry. Fretting. That is what I have been doing for the last few months since the assault. Mostly about money. Which is where I still need your help.

GFM for Assaulted Woman

I already worried and fretted with the assault. I worried over money, like everyone does. I worried about my son. I worried getting bills paid on time. I worried about getting tasks done at work on time. I worried about getting meals to the table and to the lunch box. I worried about making sure that my son got all of his things together for school. I worried about getting clothes washed and folded. I worried about there being dishes in the sink. These are simple things we all fret over. It's a natural and unfortunate thing that we all do, things we worry about.

I still worry about these things. Now I have a new set of things to worry about. Finances. No health insurance. Not healing physically because I don't have health insurance. The scars all over my body that just show me a reminder every day that I have so much repair that needs to be done, physically and mentally.

Even if you haven't been through a assault, we all feel these things. The depression we feel. The suffer we face alone.

I am scared. I become more scared because the things happening in our world today, we should all be very scared.

There are women and me who have gone through much than I have. However, that doesn't make it easier on me. It makes me sad. It should make all of you sad. People are treating each other poorly. It has become a real fight. Women are on "trial" for things that happened to them. I also know there are a lot of people who are going through so much that they can't explain and don't feel comfortable talking about in public.

I want to be a advocate for all of you. I also have to take care of my family, healing, and getting what I can done. This feels very shelfish. It is what I have to do. I want it to be important for you, who have helped, that it means so much to me. I still need help and I hate asking for help, but I am asking for help right now.

Everyday I get a little stronger, perhaps not bigger physically, but I find little way to get little things accomplished.

These days, I worry about the same things, plus a new myriad of things. Money of course, because I don't have a job. Health insurance. And all the things I took for granted like getting of the toilet after peeing, getting off the bed without falling down, trying to make sense when I talk to doctors.

A lot of people don't understand that. I hope those people never understand it. The fear, the simple fear of things that are easy. And yes, it does annoy me when people talk to me about how I should "start to get better" That I should start to "heal".

I haven't been able to yet. I can't keep food down. I have to go to a trauma therapy weekly because I am afraid of everything. Then I go through a cycle worrying about what people think of me.

"Why isn't she better?"
"We all have problems."
"She's fine."

Believe me, I want to be better. To heal. This is my goal, of course, but it is not where I am at. A lot of people are saying "Get back to being Allie!". I can't do that that yet. I am not able to walk well. I cannot form complete sentences (which is why I type things because at least I read over them), I repeat myself to the I do talk to because (I think) they lie to me sometimes and say "No you didn't say that".

My love goes out to all of you, all humans. I am angry. I am sad. I'm tired. A lot of you are as well. I feel so hurt for many humans who can't come forward and talk about what happened to you. I wish I could be a little spark in your mind you feel sad or depressed or hurting...To know that you have someone thinking of you, no matter who you and the hate that has been put on you.

If any of you want to contact me, again, please do. It is taking me a while to get to the messages, but I will. All of your messages mean so much to me in this lonely time.

Again, I feel guilty asking for financial help, but I am running out of money to pay for rent, utilities, etc. Any little bit helps.

Again, thank you for all your love and support.

Lots of love.

GFM for Allie