The Stranger Things

I am sure I have wrote  about this already, but as I sit up at this early time, which is normal for me because I can't really ever sleep, I think about the weird things my body is doing to heal and to not heal. The not healing is more than the healing, but I will start with the things that are healing. And then, the weird things. And then the bad things.

My stutter has started to subside. It comes back randomly, and I never know when it will. Since I only really talk to my Mom and my doctors on the phone. I am always proud of myself when I remember a word that seems "fancy" to me. Words I use to use. Words that just came naturally to me.

In the past few weeks, when I talk to my Mom, I have been able to come up with all of these memories that I have. They aren't memories from recent, rather, things that I remember from years ago. From grade school, from high school, from college. Some of the memories are meaningful, some of them are just things that I suddenly start remembering. Thankfully, they are mostly kind, comforting memories. Memories from before the assault that I did not think I'd get back. Stories of a more simple, peaceful times, when I was not scared or constantly worried. Times when I probably thought I was having a hard time, but I really wasn't. I had a circle of friends and family. I wasn't incredibly broke like I am now. But I enjoy talking to my Mom. She listens to me while I repeat things over and over and ask questions of different things. She is better at remembering names than I am, which is helpful! So, somehow, my brain is trying to work things out. In a way, it's almost like I am recalling these memories so I cancel out the last few months. I remember things about my hometown. Streets. Stores. But on the rare occasion I have to drive to my doctors 4 minutes away, I get confused. It is strange how the mind and body work.

And now, I also somewhat enjoy the fact that I will leave things in strange areas. A example of this is putting my glasses in a box of crackers. My best friend, my Warrior friend, always laughs at this. Because it happens. These are things that I can laugh at, even if I'm crying at the start of it. Angry cry. Then laugh.

This is what assault does, especially mentally. Blocking out terrible things, remembering good things sometimes. And this is particularly difficult with brain injuries/head trauma, which mine were/are quite severe.

There are other memories I get from time to time. When I was in labor with my son and my Mom gave me a lemon drop, which I begged for, and I ended up throwing it up...but a bit later, I had a baby (who is not a baby anymore). I remember crying over a boy with my Warrior friend outside of a cinema for no reason, probably. I remember being in downtown Winston-Salem with my other best friend, listening to Depeche Mode.

This means the brain is starting to work. But in the strangest ways. And I think part of it is my brain trying to block out that I was assaulted. That I am being put through so much physical pain. So much mental pain.

The little things that are also strange, but positive, is that, despite the fact I cannot keep food down, my nails grow. And they are strong. My bones aren't, but my nails are strong. Which is annoying, because my arms are not strong enough to cut my own nails. All of my hair has fallen out. Everywhere. I'm just covered in a little fuzz, which is why I stay cold, but I also know, through doctors, that the little fuzz there is keeping me protected. I get pissed that I can't take a shower or bath, but I don't worry about it because, well, I don't go out in public except for doctors, and that is ok for now.

I'd like to believe we are all Warriors in some way or another, but honestly, I don't believe that anymore. I stare at the scars on my legs, head, and back, not to mention the new ones from my recent fall from atrophy due to the assault, and I realize...

There are Warriors. People who stand up, people who get things done, people who power through while trying to heal, people who do things that they never thought that they would do but do them, somehow.

There are also people that are simply out for themselves. Obviously, I have not been able to do anything for anyone, but I hope my words reach out to you. There are so many things that mean so much to people, even if you don't know it. Holding a door open for someone. Giving a polite smile.

This post was for me and my fellow #1 Warrior, and for all of you who have done so much for me. We're all a bit self-centered, but I now know that there are some more than others. So, I hope that this message reaches out to you to be more aware of your behaviors. Think about the things you say to people, even if you are "joking". Think about what your words and actions do to other people. This is about safety - physically and mentally. As someone who has been sarcastic for most of her life, I have realized there are a lot feelings that get hurt mentally.

My love goes out to you.