I Can't Sleep and I Can't Wait.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. My trauma therapist is retiring, so it was our last session together. I am so thankful for the resources I had to have found her. Her compassion and support means more than she will ever realize.

Some of you will say to yourselves "Well, that is what therapists are paid for." But, this was very different on so many levels. The amount of comfort and freedom she gave me helped to keep me grounded in a way I didn't think was possible at our first session. She was a safe person to talk to. A person who will be in my life forever.

Because, this is forever for me now. At some point, my body will recover. But there will be physical scars forever. Scars on my arms. My legs. the back of my head. On my shoulders. I might have a slight lazy eye for the rest of my life. I haven't accepted that, yet, and I know my body is still recovering. I know I am not going to weigh 80 pounds for the rest of my life. I know I am not going to vomit lettuce or sushi up. I know that I will be able to lift things again.

But, I also know I am not going to forget this. My body will heal. Slowly, but surely. But, the memory of what happened is not going to disappear. It will be with me forever. I will never be able to feel safe again - really safe. I will always look behind my shoulder. I will always double check locks, stare, wherever I live, out the window to make sure there is no one there.

These are things that many people do already. Without assault. But before this all this happened, I didn't worry about things like this. Most of you know that I am a person who worries. About financial things. About my son. About basic things. We all do that to some degree. But now, I worry about every single thing.

I do realize some of this will subside. But I also realize that a lot of it won't. A lot of it is there forever. Making peace with that is really difficult.

For now, I am making decisions for myself and my son for the long term, which is also difficult, but also a part of the future. As things change in society, we all have to be aware of what surrounds us. Safety. Politics. None of us know what is going to happen to us or when.

My love goes out to all of you. Humans have faced hard times. Humans who have supported people like me. Humans who are scared about the future. Humans that live in a "bubble" and think that nothing like this can happen to them (and I hope it never does).

A thing that is positive/negative is that I have recognized my "gut-feeling" (which is ironic because my gut does not work very well). I know who I can count on, who check in to see "how I'm doing", those who are nosy, those never really cared in the first place. I am proud that the people I love the most have stayed close, offered help but also respected my personal space. This all has taught me that a lot of people are selfish (I know I am, right now) and self-centered. Life lessons that I wish I didn't have to "learn" this way.

I give much love and special thanks to someone who means more to me than I can express. They call me a Warrior. I don't feel like one, but when they tell me that, I feel like it for a few moments. They have helped me so much over 10+ years and they are amazing. They have always made me feel safe, made me laugh and let me be myself no matter what.  They also tell me when I'm silly, but they are being gentle with that right now. I hope everyone has someone like that in their life. More than one would be great, but I am very satisfied with just the one.

Everyone. Every human. Be good to one another. Be safe. Be gentle. Say thank you.

Lastly, but not the least important, I want to thank my therapist again for love, support, kindness, honesty and words of encouragement and help.

Again, I am trying to get to all of your messages. Please be patient with me. I am reading them every day and they mean so much to me.

All my love to Ryan M, John R, my Mom, Josh B, Alicia F, Eric T, Maggi G, Liz M and JBC. You have all been incredible and helpful.

Be Fucking Nice to People.