The thing about being assaulted is feeling afraid. And then feeling very lonely. I don't know what it is like for you who have been assaulted in the day, but I was assaulted at night, which is now a very scary time for me.
So, during the day I work on paperwork. Write in my journal. Then I "rest". which is laying down, not checking the locks ten times. But it is rest, feeling a little sunlight if I feel like I can open the blinds for a brief moment.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, there are cops parked in front of my home. When I see them I will "sun myself" and sit in my little chair on my porch. Just to be outside and feel air. I am scared to leave my house.
Then, I have to do things. They are hard for me to do. Make lunch for my son. Make dinner for my son. Pray that I won't vomit or start crying.
This is my life right now.
I am constantly "trying to get better". I have a lot of people on my side, but I have started to feel forgotten. Like a ghost in my own home. Scared of every movement. Scared of everything ahead of me.
"Are you better yet?" is something I get often. I am not better yet. I'm not going to be better for a long time. Some of the physical pains are subsiding, but mentally, I am horrified. All the time.
I know I repeat myself constantly on this blog. But, it is part of my healing. It is part of my brain working things out. It is part of becoming whole again, but right now, that isn't happening.
I have to be ok with that, but it doesn't mean I don't hate it.
Love to all of you and remember...
BE FUCKING NICE TO PEOPLE
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