Black Pants.

Here is what starts to happen after trauma and "bed rest". I use quotations around "bed rest" because, as I have mentioned before, it is not relaxing. It's horrifying. What if someone tries to break in to my home? What if I can't get up? What if no one finds me? And, it's boring.

This is a photo of the bit of time I can walk around without a walker. This is a photo of the legs that I use to run with. Run with for fun and exercise. You can't see it in this photo, but there are scars all over my legs, especially by my knees, where I was thrown down.

I'm not sure why, but I have kept the pants I was wearing from the night of the assault. They were my favorite pants. I keep telling myself to take them to the trash, but I haven't. I have probably said on this blog that I was going to take them to the trash. But I can't. They serve as a reminder of what happened, other than all the other reminders I have. I ran to some sort of safety in those pants. I was bleeding all over those pants. But those pants kept me warm while I passed out in my own home. They show me that I made it home.

I look at them. I look at the amount of blood all over them. They are black pants, but I can see the bright red spots of blood all over them. Bright red blood spots that weren't just from my legs...It was from my nose, my arms, mostly, from my head.

I have atrophy in both of my legs and both of my arms. This is information for all of you who just need to know my status. Because you're curious. Because you want to know what is going on, why I'm not recovering physically. The thing is, I cannot recover physically right now. I can't recover mentally because I have to look at my physical state. And then I worry about everything else.

Vomiting in the sink when I can't make it to the bathroom.
Health insurance running out. Money running out.
Scared of leaving the house, even for doctors appointments.
Not being able to stay warm.
Feeling lonely but unable to let anyone in.

And then, with these legs, this body, I cannot do anything. I am a Warrior, but it is hard to be a Warrior when you can barely move.

For those of you who reach out and ask if I'm ok, here is the answer: No. I am not ok. I appreciate you all asking. But no, I'm not ok. I have a small circle of friends who are here for me. Oddly, none of them actually l live in this town.

For those of you who I do not know who have reached out, thank you. And please know I am here to talk to you for things you might be going through that are similar to my situation. But these things are never similar. They are different for everyone.

My love to all of you, even if you are being nosy.
My love to you that need support.
My love to all of you who are scared, angry, hurt and handling more than you can think you can handle.