Endless Dreaming of Functioning

One thing about physical trauma is, for some, forgetting how to use your body.
Particularly if you have been on bed rest.
As many of you know, I was a avid runner/did yoga/lifted weights. It might not have looked like I did, but I did. I was always so proud of having strong legs. Upper-body, not so much, but I would try to lift things...for work, at home. But, I always hated my legs until the last couple of years. Then they became strong.
Now they are weak. With a lot of scars. I went to my first PT session yesterday. I've lost so much muscle in my legs and arms that it is going to take me a while to walk normally.
I realized this more today because, I had to walk up a hill to my sons graduation. I couldn't make it. I had to sit a few times. I puked in the bushes (sorry, neighborhood).The school nurse saw me sitting by the school entrance and was concerned about me.
But, I did get to the graduation, thanks to the nurse who let me use the elevator (which kids aren't able to use). I stood. I got dizzy. I had to sit down on some stairs for a bit, but I saw my son graduate 5th grade. I am so proud of him. He has done such a good job despite everything.
Everything that has happened to me after the assault has been so difficult to deal with. Every single thing has completely changed for me. I keep reminding myself that this is temporary, but it doesn't feel temporary. It feels like nothing is going to change. I repeat myself constantly, it is still hard for me to get in my bathtub. I write things down so I don't forget them. I write a lot so I can remember how to write. Hand-write.
I think I am keeping the hand sanitizer companies in business because I use it so much...Because my body is so weak, I'm constantly afraid of getting sick. Having one more sickness for my body to try to handle.
This is frustrating. And it is going to be frustrating for a long time. I get pissed off that I can't do my laundry. I get pissed off that I can barely make my bed. I get pissed off that I have a lazy eye because someone punched me in the face.
I talk to my friend about how I do "light tidying" and that really just means cleaning my son's dinner plates and wiping the table where he ate. It gives me a sense of purpose, but really, all I can do is sit and lay down. I always wanted a "break", but not this kind of break. This isn't a break. This is "healing", but it doesn't feel like I'm healing. One would think everyday would get easier, but it hasn't. Everyday I find another thing that I can't do...try to do...fail. This is where I am at right now.
As I've said in almost every post, thank you for all your outreach. I have read all of your messages and I will respond as soon as possible because they mean so much to me. Reading them makes me feel so comforted and cared for. I appreciate every single one of you.
I hope none of you have gone through this, but if you have, I hope my words reach you and give you comfort, provide some honesty because people don't want to talk honesty all the time. But they should. or at least find a space to share their thoughts and feelings...a blog, a best friend, a therapist, or anyone you feel comfortable with.
There are a lot of resources out there that I have researched. If all I can do is sit/lay, I can at least provide information for people who have gone through this. It might take me a bit to get back to you (much like getting back to your messages), but it helps me "flex my brain".
I have so much love for all of you. Stay safe. Stay aware of your surroundings, whoever you are. No one is safe right now. In any town.
I also want to thank a very special friend from the UK who sent me a very special gift. It means so much to me.It is something I will cherish forever.
All my love.