Sometimes you try to smile when you Hurt.

I am not sure what hurts more right now.

My physical pain, my mental/emotional pain, my anxiety over everything that I need to accomplish with limited capability.

It has been a rough week. It has been a rough few weeks...months.

Here are some things that are interesting when you are trying to heal after being assaulted.

-All of your hair falls out. Not just the hair where you had stitches. All of it. Arms, legs, armpits. Which, if I could get in a tub/shower, which I can't, I probably couldn't do much about it anyway. And who cares! I post sad little photos with my sister. She does not care what I look like.

-Staying constantly cold. I know I talk about this a lot, but it's so weird to be in North Carolina and be freezing. No matter what I do. One of my besties has given me my favorite hoodie that does keep me warm. It is also from my favorite shows. It is a little thing like that this that makes me feel safe. Warm and safe.

-I use hand sanitizer constantly. I have to. If I don't, I fear getting sick from a cold or something else. At first, I thought this was just part of being paranoid, but it's not. My doctors have made it very clear to me that my immune system is so weak that the slightest upset to it could result in more medical problems, hence more staying inside and not being able to accomplish things physically, aside from not being able to walk. When I talk about my brief little walks to recycle my water bottles, they really are brief. Not even a block. But it is all I have right now.

I know that people want me to get better. Or think I should be better. But I am not. I still repeat myself (as I know I have on this blog). I have post-it notes all over my home to remind me to do simple things. I keep things in certain places so I don't forget them, and then write another post-it note to remind myself that I put it there. There have been several instances where I somehow manged to put my glasses in a box of crackers (one of the 4-5 things I can eat without vomiting).

I do have my lucid times, like now. Where I can think somewhat clearly. Put my thoughts together. Where my brain works and I can say what I want to say without doubting what I am saying or second guessing. It doesn't last long, but I try to enjoy it while I can, when I can.

This is the reality of my life right now. The feeling of being forgotten has subsided a bit, not much, but a bit. I realize people have their own lives to live. There own troubles.

But it still hurts. So very much. Sometimes more than others, but there is a constant hurt.

I hope none of you never feel this pain. Physically, mentally or otherwise.

My love to all of you.